Retirement is a withdrawal from the responsibilities of your once active occupants. For people who have been dedicating their life doing their jobs, they seem had a right to deserves it. It is also noteworthy that some people who had better condition are waiting in line to succeed in the position. Most working people are eager to get their hands on it, but the truth is there are some issues for retirees, such as the working nostalgia or having troubles on writing something in the new bucket list. Surely, it sounds stressful, but there’s a way of resolving this matter. One of them is through funny retirement quotes.

Funny retirement quotes are obviously characterized by its humor. Moreover, it also hints the compliments, congratulation, and motivation. You can give the quote to your friends to message their experience through the year with the hope of making them into a better person. If you want to find the quotes, you simply can search it down below or just make it on your own. There are loads of inspirations you can use on making these quotes like expecting what will happen when you are in your sixties or taking reference from other’s working memories.

Funny Retirement Quotes

Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement is like coming home one day and telling your wife, honey, I’m home… for good!

There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it retirement. I call it bliss.
— Betty Sullivan

I always likened retirement to falling off a cliff, and then you have to kind of brush yourself off.
– Steve Young

Your retirement will leave an empty space in our hearts, not to mention the break room fridge.

There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
– Bill Watterson

The best part about retirement is that you don’t have to worry about getting caught for doing nothing.

Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
– Will Rogers

Now it’s time to stop fawning over your boss and start fawning over your grand kids.

Money is something you got to make in case you don’t die.

Funny Retirement Quotes

How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!

You have to put off being young until you can retire. Oh, the irony…

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
– Ella Harris

Now is the time to throw professionalism out the window once and for all.

Retirement may be looked upon either as a prolonged holiday or as a rejection, a being thrown on to the scrap-heap.
– Simone De Beauvoir

Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you are saying!

Happy Retirement! Spreading sheets always sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
– Robert Benchley

Enjoy your permanent weekend.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope

Funny Retirement Quotes

Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
Because the term comes with a 10% discount.

When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.
— Chi Chi Rodriguez

The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.

When “I’m too old for this crap” becomes your daily mantra, you know it’s time to retire. Hope you enjoy all the adventures you have ahead of you.

The best thing about retirement is not having to wear pants!
– Mark Hewer

Also Check: Happy Retirement Wishes

Funny Retirement Quotes for Coworkers

Funny Retirement Quotes for Coworkers

This place won’t be the same without you. In case you’re wondering, that’s a compliment.

Retired is being tired twice, I’ve thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.
– Richard Armour

Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.
– Gene Perret

Without you around, I’ll never be able to stay awake for status meetings.

Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids’ inheritance before I die!

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
– Abe Lemons

You might want to change your number. Once management realizes everything you did here, they’ll be begging you to come back.

Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
– Malcolm Forbes

Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
– Gene Perret

Funny Retirement Poems

Funny Retirement Poems

You’re Retiring Today

You’re retiring today,
And we want to wish you well.
It may seem like you still work here,
But a few signs will surely tell.

No more coffee cup rings
On sub-standard reports,
And when you’re feeling surly,
We won’t hear your spicy retorts.

Your cubicle will no longer emit
That oh-so-familiar smell,
Of stale coffee, vapor rub,
And day-old Taco Bell.

And when it’s time for a meeting
A tear will surely come to each eye,
When you’re not there to plop down in a chair,
And heave a bored and world-weary sigh.

But let’s not dwell on what we’re losing,
Because you’re surely better off.
Have fun wasting time off the clock now,
And think of us fondly while you’re goofing off.

By Kelly Roper


Now that you are a retiree,
think of all the discounts you’ll see.
You can go to the movies for less than the rest.
With early bird specials, you’re sure to be blessed.

Zoo entrance is yours at a reduced price.
Museums also discounted, retirees to entice.
As a senior citizen, you’ll be treated like royalty.
Because of your free time, they all want your loyalty.

Weekly paychecks may be a thing of the past.
But if you are frugal, your savings should last.
All of the discounts will surly assist.
Just make sure you stay off those credit card mailing lists.

By Angela Rose

Welcome to the world,
of waking up late,
being disoriented,
and forgetting the date,

Get into the habit,
of having lots of fun,
not being answerable,
to absolutely anyone.

Also Check: Bee Quotes, Sayings and Poems

A Teacher’s Wild Ride

You’re retiring from teaching,
So, hold your head high.
As you proudly proclaim,
That you somehow survived.

Smug attitudes, disruptions,
And homework excuses.
Fart noises, spitballs,
And gum chewing abuses.

The challenge was real,
But the rewards are true.
As you realize all that
The kids learned from you.

You can smile and be happy,
It’s been quite a ride.
Never forgetting those days when
You just wanted to hide.

Still, you hope you made an impact,
You hope for the best.
But now you are ready for
Some well-deserved rest.

It’s hard to believe,
That it’s time to depart.
But every one of those kids
Will be forever in your heart.

By Julie Kirk


The end of a long and successful career,
You may release more than a tear.
So much passion and dedication,
You clearly deserve a long vacation.

Working with you was always a pleasure,
Your friendship is valued more than a treasure.
Countless memories, over time we have shared,
Every day you showed that you cared.

Just want to wish you only the best,
Lots of experiences, and plenty of rest.
This simple poem is no fancy award,
We just hope, it hit the right chord.

by Martin Dejnicki

You are about to board a really long flight.
So put your seat belt on, clutch the armrest tight.
The flight will take you to a beautiful destination.
It’s called retirement, life’s longest vacation.

Funny Retirement Jokes

Funny Retirement Jokes

Why do retirees count pennies?
They are the only ones who have the time.

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: ‘What are you doing dear?’
Husband: ‘Swatting flies – I got 3 males and 2 females’
Wife: ‘How on earth do you know which gender they were?’
Husband: ‘Easy – 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone’

Why are there so many old people in Church?
They’re cramming for the final.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”

What do mathematicians call retirement?

Also Check: Halloween Puns and Jokes

Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.  So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
The husband replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. ‘I would like my grandchildren to say, ‘He was successful in business’ , declared the first man.
‘Fifty years from now, ‘said the second, ‘I want them to say, ‘He was a loyal family man’ .
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, ‘So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?’
‘Me?’ the third man replied. ‘I want them all to say, ‘He certainly looks good for his age!’

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

Q: What do you call a show in which a 63 year old man preys on a pretty 19 year old girl?
A: The Bald and the Beautiful.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.
– Milton Berle

Maurice, aged 87, was very contented living in the Alpha Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Edna, 76, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love.  Only yesterday Maurice plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. Edna smiled and replied, ‘Alright.’
Maurice asked softly, ‘Will you marry me?’
Delighted, Edna answered him, ‘Yes.’ She then asked Maurice what his second question was.
He replied, ‘Edna, will you please help me get up?’

Why do Retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?
A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!