Dad jokes are the pinnacle of comedy. It can be so unfunny that you can laugh at how unfunny it is. So, why don’t you return the favor with these funny father’s day quotes? It is a perfect way to celebrate one day of the year that fathers get to celebrate their hard work as the backbone of your family. Aside from the dad jokes, you might not know how much your father has put into his family. In the name of love, he worked his bones off to provide you all year round. Thus, Father’s day is a very important day to commemorate their achievements and hard work all year round, while also being the chance of getting back to all his corny jokes.
However, how can you make an unfunny joke, funny? To unlock the secrets of a father’s humor, you must delve into his life. Although you can always pull off old and common relatable jokes, a great quote is always better. So, now you might need to get a bit creative in your search. Since you are already here, you can read all the funny father’s day quotes in this article. You can get back to your father with these either laugh inducing or deducing quotes.
Funny Father’s Day Quotes
Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
– James Breakwell
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
– Bill Cosby
I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ (I hadn’t met my daughter yet.)
– Dax Shepard
For Father’s Day we got my Dad a t-shirt that says “Do Not Resuscitate.” He wears it whenever mom takes him to the ballet.
– Greg Tamblyn
I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.
– George W. Bush
My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
– Peter De Vries
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.
– Rita Rudner
Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.
– Chris Martin
I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’
– Ryan Reynolds
When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet until my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long on the toilet? Because he’s not sure he wants to be a father.
– Louis C.K.
Dad, You’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
– Homer Simpson
People ask what it’s like to have four kids, and I just tell them ‘picture that you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.
– Jim Gaffigan
When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.
– Dave Attell
To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
– Ernest Hemingway
There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’
– Jim Gaffigan
Just once on Father’s Day I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking.
– Andy Borowitz
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
– Charles Wadsworth
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
– Red Button
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’
– Erma Bombeck
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
– Bertrand Russell
Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.
– Conan O’Brien
I tried to get my Dad what he really wants for Father’s Day, but Jennifer Lawrence wouldn’t return my calls.
– Melanie White
As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. I’ve been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father’s Day.
– Dan Cummins
Lately all my friends are worried they’re turning into their fathers. I’m worried I’m not.
– Dan Zevin
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
– John Kinnear
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
– Robert Orben
Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.
– Ray Romano
Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
– David Letterman
I hate this occasion (Father’s Day) because I can never find the right card because they’re all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it — draw a little picture of myself hanging there.
– Margaret Smith
I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
– Eugene Mirman
Also Read: Father’s Day Wishes
Funny Father and Son Quotes
The worst thing that can happen to a man is his wife comes home and he has lost the child. “How did everything go?” “Great, we’re playing hide and seek and he’s winning.”
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Dad, you are my superman, which makes me your super son!
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
– Jack Handey
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
– Spike Milligan
Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.
– George Lucas
Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always work.
– Shahrukh Khan
My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football, and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.
– Glenn Super
My dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.
– Al Unser
Funny Father’s Day Quotes from Daughter
My daughter got me a World’s Best Dad mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.
– Bob Odenkirk
Amazingly most dads can figure out how to run the most difficult mechanical devices, except the dishwasher.
Some Fathers are in the Republican Party, Some are in the Democratic Party, but the best daddies spend time in the “Tea Parties.”
I asked my dad for a BB gun, but he said we were a tribe of worriers, not warriors.
– Hilary Price
There are Dads that can change a tire in the middle of a blizzard, but are clueless how to change a diaper in the middle of the night.
We both know I’m your favourite. I’m the nicest, funniest and best behaved. So it’s pretty obvious that I really am your favorite.
I love my dad, because even though he has Alzheimer’s, he remembers the important things. He can’t remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him.
– Thyra Lees-Smith
A new movie released, “When Dads Attack.” A story about a Father’s reaction when his daughter’s prom date keeps her out too late.
Dad, you’re even cooler than my ipad speech app.
Funny Father’s Day Memes
Funny Father’s Day Cards
You can get all of these funny Father’s Day cards below at Etsy. Each of them costs less than $5; a small price considering what our fathers have sacrificed for us. Check them out!
Funny Jokes on Father’s Day
Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as:
“Can you turn up that music?”
“Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.”
“I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”
“Here, you take the remote.”
Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, “Daddy, you’re the boss in our family, right?”
The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, “Yes, my little princess.”
The girl then continued, “That’s because mommy put you in charge, right?”
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 24 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “18 pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.
Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.”
He looked at Ryan, puzzled.
“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’”
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.
“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.
After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Teacher on the phone: You say Michael is cold and he can’t come to school today, who am I speaking to?
Michael: This is my father!
Also Read: Happy Father’s Day Quotes and Messages
Funny Father’s Day Messages
Happy Father’s Day from one of your most legitimate children.
Please accept this Father’s Day text as a token of my poverty.
You may not know everything but you sure had me fooled for quite a few years! Happy Father’s day to the smartest Dad in town.
All I can say is that mum had amazing taste to pick you to be our dad! I turned out awesome.
It’s a fact! The world’s loudest farts producing the greatest stench are from men called Dad. Love you, Dad!
Dad, thanks for working so hard to pay for the TV that actually raised me.
I know I’m a handful, but that’s why you have two hands. Happy Father’s Day!
Happy fathers day to the raddest, most tubular, least square, ummm hippest… Hey Dad, Are any of these from your generation? Great fathers are timeless!
Thanks for having me, even though it was so you’d have someone to take care of you when you’re old and lonely.
Dad, I’m just so full of love and admiration and gratitude towards you that sometimes I think I might explode and all my emotions will go flying out of me in the form of glitter or maybe little cherry tomatoes. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. It’s bound to happen eventually.
Dad, I promise that one day I give you grandchildren, who will annoy me as much as I annoyed you.
I may be all grown up, but I’m still your financial burden.
I’m so lucky to have you as my father… I’m sure no one else would have put up with me this long. Happy Father’s Day!
As a reward for being such a good father, I promise I’ll let you pick your own nursing home.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad! It’s your day, which means you can do whatever you want. If you want to golf, golf. If you want to watch TV, watch TV. If you want to grill up some steaks for the whole family to enjoy, we fully support you. (Please pick the third option!)
Dad, your father’s day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding.
I hope this Father’s Day is as fun as before you had kids.
It takes an amazing dad to raise such a ridiculously great kid. Happy Father’s day Dad, I couldn’t have grown up to be so humble without you!
I’m so grateful for all the things you’ve done for me over the years that I bought you this $3 card. Happy Father’s Day.
Dad, you’re my superman which makes me your super-son! Being with you is always super fun. Wishing you a super Father’s Day!