Many people love reading hilarious quotes. Basically, entertaining yourself with silly, humorous quotes that can bring a big smile on your face is going to have positive impact. Considering that the world is not a happy place anymore with all the frictions and stressful stuff happening all across the globe, we do need something light and incredibly funny to keep being happy. Luckily, there are still numerous people who have great sense of humor and are not easily offended. As the result, they can create countless jokes and funny quotes to be shared with the rest of people.
If you want to make people laugh or you just want to entertain yourself with hilarious stuff, there are so many quotes down below. You can use for that particular purpose. The quotes are truly whimsical and amusing. Even so, they are quite safe to use and not easily offend people in general. They can all make you laugh hysterically and make you forget about your problem for a while. Here are some of the most hilarious quotes that will put the biggest smile on your face. Moreover, they will bring a sheer joy and happiness to other people reading the quotes.
Hilarious Quotes of The Day
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
– Abraham Lincoln
Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!
Always be yourself, unless you can be Beyonce then always be Beyonce.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
– Dave Barry
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
– Robin Williams
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue, and when I asked what’s funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
– Jackie Mason
I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
– Jerry Seinfeld
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘awesome’ ends with ‘me’ and ‘ugly’ starts with ‘u’.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
– Milton Berle
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
– Ron White
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
– Mitch Hedberg
The broccoli says ‘I look like a small tree’, the mushroom says ‘I look like an umbrella’, the walnut says ‘I look like a brain’, and the banana says ‘Can we please change the subject?’
It’s that time of year where girls look really cute and fashionable in their flannel and I look like I’ve misplaced my ax.
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Short Funny Quotes
My stomach is flat. The ‘L’ is just silent.
Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
Never steal. The government hates competition.
My alone time is for everyone’s safety.
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!
Save paper, don’t do home work.
I may be wrong, but it’s highly unlikely.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I still miss my ex, but guess what? My Aim is getting better.
All my life, I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!!
Funny Quotes about Life
Next time a stranger talks to you when you’re alone, just look at them shocked and whisper, “You can see me?”
Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at night, you’re drunk!
In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.
Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Its called balance.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.
Honestly, I don’t even play an active role in my life anymore. Things just happen and I’m like, “Oh, is this what we’re doing now? OK.”
I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.
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Sarcastic Inspirational Quotes
I’m cut from a different cloth, and they don’t make that fabric anymore.
It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
– Asleigh Brilliant
You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.
Sometimes, I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!
I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.
Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.
– Robert Brault
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin
I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’
Super Funny Memes
Hilarious Quotes about Work
Interviewer: What do you make at your current job?
Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.
Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My resume is just a list of things I really never want to do again.
Due to the confidentiality of my job, I don’t even know what I’m doing.
My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows that he doesn’t hire stupid people.
Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
– Bill Gates
Nobody notices my hard work, until I don’t do it.
Hilarious Quotes about Love and Relationships
As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.
– Ralphie May
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
– Jackie Mason
She doesn’t say ‘I love you’ like a normal person. Instead, she’ll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile, and say, “You’re an idiot.” If she tells you you’re an idiot, you’re a lucky man.
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3, it should default to ‘Unstable’.
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
– Rodney Dangerfield
If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.
– Frank Ocean
Love is a lot like toothache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.
– George Burns
If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.
– Chelsea Peretti
I want a relationship where we can be boring around each other and be completely okay with that.
Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.
Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil.
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Hilarious Quotes from Celebrities and Famous People
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
– Mark Twain
If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
– Marilyn Monroe
I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.
– Britney Spears
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
– Cary Grant
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
– Woody Allen
I can understand wanting to have a million dollars, but once you get beyond that, I have to tell you, it’s the same hamburger.
– Bill Gates
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
– Anthony Burgess
The secret to a happy marriage? Do whatever your wife tells you. “Yes, dear.” And breathe.
– Denzel Washington
I’m not weird. I’m adorably eccentric.
– Robert Downey Jr.
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
– Mel Brooks
You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.
– Jack Black
I never leave my house. Then I don’t have to put a bra on, and I don’t have to change my pants.
– Jennifer Lawrence