It is very hard to find clean jokes these days. Back then, jokes did not have to be clean. Most of them were heavily sarcastic and harsh. However, people back then were more laid back. Their sense of humor was high as well. That is why even the most sarcastic joke would never offend anybody back then. Today, everything is basically the opposite. Jokes, whether it is funny or not, can deeply offend and hurt someone’s feeling. People get offended very easy these days, even by something that has no intention of offending or hurting anybody.
Therefore, if you need to entertain people by telling jokes, you have to be extremely creative. You need to find the clean jokes; the cleanest joke if possible. The definition of clean joke is a humorous joke with no particular tone of making fun about someone or something in particular. There are numerous jokes like that for you to find down below. They are 100% safe to say out loud in public. If you are careful, these jokes will not hurt anyone’s feeling and keep your reputation safe. Why is it important? It is extremely important because if you tell a joke that offends someone, things can go all the way to lawsuit.
Best Funny Clean Jokes
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?
There was no chemistry.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
How do mountains stay warm in the winter?
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”
The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, “Exactly!”
Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?
Because she will let it go.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!
A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, “This is a library.”
The man apologizes and whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.”
A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
What’s a writing utensil’s favorite place to go on vacation?
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he’s a pain in the neck.
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”
Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
What does the world’s top dentist get?
A little plaque.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
Also Read: Birthday Puns, Jokes, and Memes
Clean Jokes for Adults
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me.”
The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
The teacher said to his class one day, “Please stand up, anyone who thinks they’re stupid.”
Nobody stood up so the teacher said, “I’m sure there are some stupid students in this class!”
At this point Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Oh Johnny! So you think you’re stupid then?”
Little Johnny replied, “No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own.”
Short Clean Jokes
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”
I said: “no it doesn’t”
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends.
I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Also Read: More Birthday Jokes and Funny Quotes
Clean Jokes for Church
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head. Duh!
At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
He was Ruthless.
Atheist: “Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?”
Preacher: “I don’t know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”
Atheist: “But suppose he isn’t in heaven?”
Preacher: “Then you ask him.”
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad.”
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time. While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
Clean Jokes for Work
My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
An employee goes to see his supervisor. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“Sorry, but we’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?”
The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.
The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends arranged for flowers to be sent to mark the occasion and wish the owner luck.
The flowers duly arrived at the new business site and the business owner read the accompanying card to find it said, “Rest in Peace.” The business owner rang his friend and told him what the card read. The friend was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should consider this: Somewhere there’s a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up. One co-worker asks why she left that job.
“It was something my boss said,” the woman replied.
“Why? What did he say?” the co-worker asked.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
One Liner Clean Jokes
I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it’s fully groan.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I would go through many things for you. Let’s start with your bank account!
My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.
So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
Why did the gymnast put extra salt on her food? So she could do summer salts.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.
I wanted to give you something you need but I didn’t know how to wrap up a bath tub.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
What do you call purple when it is being mean? Violent.
We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
The boss said if my work doesn’t improve he’ll fire me. He can’t because I don’t do anything!
Clean Christmas Jokes
How does a snowman get to work?
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
6 year old boy: “I don’t want to go to church on Christmas”
Mother: “It’s important to go celebrate the birth of Jesus”
6 year old boy: “But we don’t even KNOW him!”
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum; you can’t beat it!
What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it ‘soots’ him!
Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?
Because he went down in History.
Which of Santa’s reindeer have to mind their manners most?
Why do mummies like the holidays so much?
They’re into all the wrapping.
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had very low elf esteem.